Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Just Writing: Modesty of the heart
Just Writing: Modesty of the heart: For anyone who has ever suffered the betrayal of adultery you will understand when I say that when I go to church I do not enjoy knowing tha...
Modesty of the heart
For anyone who has ever suffered the betrayal of adultery you will understand when I say that when I go to church I do not enjoy knowing that there will be women there, dressed immodestly, parading in front of my husband. My husband now has never cheated on me, but I have suffered that rejection in my first marriage. Unfortunately, the scars of that have stayed with me for over 20 years now. They are fading but they are not gone completely.
I am no longer the person I was 20 years ago or even 13 years ago for that matter. Because just 13 years ago I dressed exactly like I mentioned above. I took no thought that I might be causing men in the church to struggle with lust or be tempted to sin. I was just so thankful to have lost the weight put on in my 2nd marriage that I wanted to show off that weight loss. I didn't consider how that would make other wives feel, I was just thinking of myself.
Over the past 13 years I have put on 53 pounds. I am back to the place where I feel ugly, disgusting and completely unattractive. I am ashamed of the weight gain and how unhealthy I am. My joints suffer from the added weight and because of this it limits what I can do physically for exercise. But no longer do I want to make excuses. I want to lose this weight and keep it off this time. But I don't want to fall back into the temptation to dress immodestly.
I didn't realize, until we attended church with our Amish friends, just how much it bothered me that women would come to church dressed in a fashion that provoked men to lust. But walking into the Amish service I didn't have to worry about that at all. I was so blessed to be among women who valued modesty as much as the Lord had brought me to value it. I was so at ease and was able to thoroughly enjoy the service and really focus on the Lord and the messages that day instead of constantly worrying that my husband would have to deal with seeing the flesh of someone who wasn't his wife.
Seven months before we attended this service I had started wearing the headcovering. This came about when the Lord led me to the scripture in 1 Corinthians 11 and convicted me to cover. This was a hard thing to do. I was very vain and didn't want to cover. I again felt ugly wearing the headcovering. I couldn't show off my hair if I had it cut and highlighted. Wearing a headcovering really doesn't go with wearing pants, it just doesn't feel right. So I also started wearing skirts and tops. I did try to choose outfits that were pretty because I do believe God created beauty and we should not have to dress somber in order to show our obedience to God. I think that the plain dress of the Amish is pretty. I have come to see it that way over the past year and a half. I think the prayer kapp is beautiful too. When I see the hidden beauty of the hearts of my Amish friends it comes through and makes everything else beautiful.
See beauty and modesty are a thing of the heart. If you're not beautiful on the inside, if you aren't modest in your heart then you are not going to be beautiful or modest on the outside. Oh you might look like a trophy wife but when you are behind closed doors how often do you worry about whether your husband still thinks you're attractive? How often do you look in the mirror and not like what you see and then spend hours trying to create something beautiful?
Something the Lord is still teaching me is that we are beautiful in His eyes. It doesn't matter what we look like on the outside, it's the heart. My husband tells me I'm beautiful, gives me compliments all the time but because of those past hurts and scars I keep not believing him. It's not fair to him either. It's completely not fair for me to reject his attention because someone else hurt me. But when those scars run deep it's hard to believe it when someone tells you something different.
Why modesty? Why wear skirts and tops and not slacks and tops? Why wear that thing on my head if it makes me feel ugly?
Well, I choose modesty because I know it pleases the Lord. I choose modesty because I have a daughter and granddaughter who I want to set an example for. I choose modesty because my husband likes that I am modest. I choose modesty because I've always danced to a different drum and it is completely opposite of the way women of the world dress.
I choose skirts and tops (except when I fall back) because my husband loves me looking like a woman. Becasue my husband prefers me in skirts and not pants. Because the Lord said not to wear the clothing of the opposite sex. Because of the rise of homosexuality and the way the majority of lesbians dress and I want to be different. I want to look female, like a woman and not a man. Because when I do lose weight I don't want to show off curves to other men who are not my husband.
I choose to wear that thing on my head even when I feel ugly because when I put it on I know I am obeying what the word of God tells me is right for women to do to show that they recognize the order he set forth. God-Jesus-man-woman. It reminds me to be in submission to my husband and not other men. It reminds me that I am a child of God and in being a child of God I need to live to a higher standard than the rest of the world. It reminds me of the blessings I received when I first started covering. It also humbles me. Removes the vanity that is so horrendous that I detest it. It will hopefully remove the stubborn pride that I hold on to. It speaks to those who I come in contact with that I am a Christian. But it only speaks this way if I am in my heart. If I act ugly when I have the headcovering on it is no different than if I act ugly without it on. Again, a heart issue. I also wear it because 1 Corinthians 11 says to do it "because of the angels". When I stand in the congregation of the saints and cry holy, holy, holy I also cry that with the angels and archangels.
I realize that a lot of what I have said will sound harsh to some who read this. But I write this in love. I write this in hopes that someone will read it and be blessed by it. That it will strike a chord in someones heart and lead them to seek the Lord on modesty.
Please, sisters in Christ, please dress in an appropriate fashion to not cause your brothers in Christ to sin. Please, pastors, take a stand for righteousness, holiness and modesty. Hold your congregations acountable in the way they dress. If they have nothing else to wear then take some of the offerings that are supposed to go to help the body of Christ and buy them an outfit that is modest. Again, sisters in Christ, please be modest in your dress as a witness to other women in the church: Mothers, daughters, sisters, granddaughters, aunts, cousins, sisters in Christ need to see a higher standard then they are seeing in the world.
If we continue to dress as the world when we are actually part of the body of Christ then those looking for a difference will never see it.
I am no longer the person I was 20 years ago or even 13 years ago for that matter. Because just 13 years ago I dressed exactly like I mentioned above. I took no thought that I might be causing men in the church to struggle with lust or be tempted to sin. I was just so thankful to have lost the weight put on in my 2nd marriage that I wanted to show off that weight loss. I didn't consider how that would make other wives feel, I was just thinking of myself.
Over the past 13 years I have put on 53 pounds. I am back to the place where I feel ugly, disgusting and completely unattractive. I am ashamed of the weight gain and how unhealthy I am. My joints suffer from the added weight and because of this it limits what I can do physically for exercise. But no longer do I want to make excuses. I want to lose this weight and keep it off this time. But I don't want to fall back into the temptation to dress immodestly.
I didn't realize, until we attended church with our Amish friends, just how much it bothered me that women would come to church dressed in a fashion that provoked men to lust. But walking into the Amish service I didn't have to worry about that at all. I was so blessed to be among women who valued modesty as much as the Lord had brought me to value it. I was so at ease and was able to thoroughly enjoy the service and really focus on the Lord and the messages that day instead of constantly worrying that my husband would have to deal with seeing the flesh of someone who wasn't his wife.
Seven months before we attended this service I had started wearing the headcovering. This came about when the Lord led me to the scripture in 1 Corinthians 11 and convicted me to cover. This was a hard thing to do. I was very vain and didn't want to cover. I again felt ugly wearing the headcovering. I couldn't show off my hair if I had it cut and highlighted. Wearing a headcovering really doesn't go with wearing pants, it just doesn't feel right. So I also started wearing skirts and tops. I did try to choose outfits that were pretty because I do believe God created beauty and we should not have to dress somber in order to show our obedience to God. I think that the plain dress of the Amish is pretty. I have come to see it that way over the past year and a half. I think the prayer kapp is beautiful too. When I see the hidden beauty of the hearts of my Amish friends it comes through and makes everything else beautiful.
See beauty and modesty are a thing of the heart. If you're not beautiful on the inside, if you aren't modest in your heart then you are not going to be beautiful or modest on the outside. Oh you might look like a trophy wife but when you are behind closed doors how often do you worry about whether your husband still thinks you're attractive? How often do you look in the mirror and not like what you see and then spend hours trying to create something beautiful?
Something the Lord is still teaching me is that we are beautiful in His eyes. It doesn't matter what we look like on the outside, it's the heart. My husband tells me I'm beautiful, gives me compliments all the time but because of those past hurts and scars I keep not believing him. It's not fair to him either. It's completely not fair for me to reject his attention because someone else hurt me. But when those scars run deep it's hard to believe it when someone tells you something different.
Why modesty? Why wear skirts and tops and not slacks and tops? Why wear that thing on my head if it makes me feel ugly?
Well, I choose modesty because I know it pleases the Lord. I choose modesty because I have a daughter and granddaughter who I want to set an example for. I choose modesty because my husband likes that I am modest. I choose modesty because I've always danced to a different drum and it is completely opposite of the way women of the world dress.
I choose skirts and tops (except when I fall back) because my husband loves me looking like a woman. Becasue my husband prefers me in skirts and not pants. Because the Lord said not to wear the clothing of the opposite sex. Because of the rise of homosexuality and the way the majority of lesbians dress and I want to be different. I want to look female, like a woman and not a man. Because when I do lose weight I don't want to show off curves to other men who are not my husband.
I choose to wear that thing on my head even when I feel ugly because when I put it on I know I am obeying what the word of God tells me is right for women to do to show that they recognize the order he set forth. God-Jesus-man-woman. It reminds me to be in submission to my husband and not other men. It reminds me that I am a child of God and in being a child of God I need to live to a higher standard than the rest of the world. It reminds me of the blessings I received when I first started covering. It also humbles me. Removes the vanity that is so horrendous that I detest it. It will hopefully remove the stubborn pride that I hold on to. It speaks to those who I come in contact with that I am a Christian. But it only speaks this way if I am in my heart. If I act ugly when I have the headcovering on it is no different than if I act ugly without it on. Again, a heart issue. I also wear it because 1 Corinthians 11 says to do it "because of the angels". When I stand in the congregation of the saints and cry holy, holy, holy I also cry that with the angels and archangels.
I realize that a lot of what I have said will sound harsh to some who read this. But I write this in love. I write this in hopes that someone will read it and be blessed by it. That it will strike a chord in someones heart and lead them to seek the Lord on modesty.
Please, sisters in Christ, please dress in an appropriate fashion to not cause your brothers in Christ to sin. Please, pastors, take a stand for righteousness, holiness and modesty. Hold your congregations acountable in the way they dress. If they have nothing else to wear then take some of the offerings that are supposed to go to help the body of Christ and buy them an outfit that is modest. Again, sisters in Christ, please be modest in your dress as a witness to other women in the church: Mothers, daughters, sisters, granddaughters, aunts, cousins, sisters in Christ need to see a higher standard then they are seeing in the world.
If we continue to dress as the world when we are actually part of the body of Christ then those looking for a difference will never see it.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saddened
I must say that I am saddened by what I see taking place in the church. The body of believers who are supposed to be building each other up, calling on those who are sick, seeing to the widows & orphans, feeding the poor and preaching the gospel are seriously falling down on the job.
From my experience, and I have been raised up in the church so for 40 years now, I have seen the church go from solid to dysfunctional to say the least. What was once considered good solid preaching and song singing is not considered "a dead church" if the music isn't blaring and contemporary, if the congregation aren't on their feet dancing, shouting & running around.
Communion, which is one of the sacred ordinances is treated as lightly as the Holy Spirit is mocked in these meetings.
Now I know there are good, solid Protestant & Catholic churches still practicing biblical teachings but for the most part the "megachurches" are the ones I am talking about.
Who has the best sound out of all the churches in town should not matter as long as hearts are turned to God and worshiping Him and not the worship service. But at a former church I was told that their worst sound was better than any other churches best sound.
What ever happened to the gospel of Jesus Christ being of the utmost importance? Of seeing souls saved? Of the church taking the tithes & offerings that are brought in & dispersing them among the body of believers to meet the needs that are there?
It grieves the Holy Spirit when pastors and leadership put more importance on a performance than on the preaching of the word and the reading of scriptures. You might ask how I can say that. The Holy Spirit is part of the trinity. God the Father, God the Son & God the Holy Spirit. If God thought it so important to give us His word, then I would assume He places a high importance on it since it is through His word that we learn of Jesus, learn how we are to live for Him and how we are to treat others. No where in scripture is the song service or "worship" service placed above the reading of scripture or the sharing of testimony.
We need to get back to the basics of Christianity. We need to get back to what hundreds and thousands of martyrs have spilled their blood for. For the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Many have wondered how Joe & I could back out of the church completely and do home fellowship. We have even been told that it's not good for us that we need other believers to encourage us. But we do meet with other believers. It's just in the homes. And since we left the church of beleivers who "encouraged" us a little over a year ago, I can count on 2 hands the number of people who have contacted us & can count on 1 hand the number of times the pastor has contacted us.
We are supposed to lift each other up, to encourage & edify but anymore it's all about show.
From my experience, and I have been raised up in the church so for 40 years now, I have seen the church go from solid to dysfunctional to say the least. What was once considered good solid preaching and song singing is not considered "a dead church" if the music isn't blaring and contemporary, if the congregation aren't on their feet dancing, shouting & running around.
Communion, which is one of the sacred ordinances is treated as lightly as the Holy Spirit is mocked in these meetings.
Now I know there are good, solid Protestant & Catholic churches still practicing biblical teachings but for the most part the "megachurches" are the ones I am talking about.
Who has the best sound out of all the churches in town should not matter as long as hearts are turned to God and worshiping Him and not the worship service. But at a former church I was told that their worst sound was better than any other churches best sound.
What ever happened to the gospel of Jesus Christ being of the utmost importance? Of seeing souls saved? Of the church taking the tithes & offerings that are brought in & dispersing them among the body of believers to meet the needs that are there?
It grieves the Holy Spirit when pastors and leadership put more importance on a performance than on the preaching of the word and the reading of scriptures. You might ask how I can say that. The Holy Spirit is part of the trinity. God the Father, God the Son & God the Holy Spirit. If God thought it so important to give us His word, then I would assume He places a high importance on it since it is through His word that we learn of Jesus, learn how we are to live for Him and how we are to treat others. No where in scripture is the song service or "worship" service placed above the reading of scripture or the sharing of testimony.
We need to get back to the basics of Christianity. We need to get back to what hundreds and thousands of martyrs have spilled their blood for. For the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Many have wondered how Joe & I could back out of the church completely and do home fellowship. We have even been told that it's not good for us that we need other believers to encourage us. But we do meet with other believers. It's just in the homes. And since we left the church of beleivers who "encouraged" us a little over a year ago, I can count on 2 hands the number of people who have contacted us & can count on 1 hand the number of times the pastor has contacted us.
We are supposed to lift each other up, to encourage & edify but anymore it's all about show.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Small Town Tragedy
I live in a town of 1100 people unless you count the prison population and then it's 2800. I have lived here now almost 40 years and I cannot remember a time when I was ashamed to say that I did indeed live here.
This week a terrible tragedy occurred. A 7-year-old boy rode his bicycle out in front of a car, was hit and killed. The man who hit him has been hounded by police in the past, and has had a troubled past. Rumors have flown as to what caused this accident. Word was that he was driving 50 mph in a 30 mph zone, that he was drunk, on meth. None of this is true.
See the thing about where I live is that the police like to harass people. They get enjoyment out of asserting their authority. And this is what's happening here.
The state police released the man, saying that there was nothing he could have done to avoid the accident. And this is a horrible thing that happened. But it is not something that should have led to a modern day witch hunt.
He and his family have received death threats, signs are being put up all over town that children have written or drawn that have said mean things about him. Some of the signs haven't said anything other than asking people to slow down. But one sign read "Child Killer". And the person spearheading this campaign is not only supposed to be a christian, but thinks that this is good therapy for the children to help them heal.
What about this man's mother? What about him? He has to live with this the rest of his life. He has children of his own. What kind of world do we live in that this is allowed to take place and even condoned by our city council?
Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Or showing love and compassion to someone? We haven't walked in their shoes, and we certainly can't bear this load for him that he now has to carry.
I am truly ashamed to be a part of Sumner now and want nothing to do with anyone who is supportive of this kind of treatment.
This week a terrible tragedy occurred. A 7-year-old boy rode his bicycle out in front of a car, was hit and killed. The man who hit him has been hounded by police in the past, and has had a troubled past. Rumors have flown as to what caused this accident. Word was that he was driving 50 mph in a 30 mph zone, that he was drunk, on meth. None of this is true.
See the thing about where I live is that the police like to harass people. They get enjoyment out of asserting their authority. And this is what's happening here.
The state police released the man, saying that there was nothing he could have done to avoid the accident. And this is a horrible thing that happened. But it is not something that should have led to a modern day witch hunt.
He and his family have received death threats, signs are being put up all over town that children have written or drawn that have said mean things about him. Some of the signs haven't said anything other than asking people to slow down. But one sign read "Child Killer". And the person spearheading this campaign is not only supposed to be a christian, but thinks that this is good therapy for the children to help them heal.
What about this man's mother? What about him? He has to live with this the rest of his life. He has children of his own. What kind of world do we live in that this is allowed to take place and even condoned by our city council?
Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Or showing love and compassion to someone? We haven't walked in their shoes, and we certainly can't bear this load for him that he now has to carry.
I am truly ashamed to be a part of Sumner now and want nothing to do with anyone who is supportive of this kind of treatment.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Here and now
Right now, in the here and now, I have several projects I am working on. I have some non-fiction for adults, fiction for young adults, planning a childrens book for little ones and maybe one for just a little bit older ones.
Why do I have more than one project going at once you might ask. Well let me tell you. I intend to have a career as a writer. In order to get published I need to write. To make money I have to write and sell. I could spend all my time on my novel but that is going to take me into next year and I can also use my time to branch out into other fields. See, to be a writer you don't have to stick to one age group or genre. The writing field is wide open and opportunities aplenty to be grabbed if one wants to invest the time and energy.
Two of my favorite quotes: It's always about the story-Stephen King & Guard the time alloted to writing as a Hungarian Horntail guards its firstborn egg-J.K. Rowling.
So I guard my writing time just like that Hungarian Horntail guards its firstborn egg & I am doing my best to learn that it's always about the story. It takes practice, practice & more practice but the possibilities are endless of what can be accomplished if I commit to practice, write, keep my butt in the seat, sacrifice, still be here for my kids and practice. Did I mention practice? That's what writing is. The more you write the more you learn. The more you learn the better your writing is and there is no end to what you can do with that.
So right here and right now I am a writer and I intend to write. Other shoes I could walk in but why would I want to? I want to do what I was created to do and that is to write.
Why do I have more than one project going at once you might ask. Well let me tell you. I intend to have a career as a writer. In order to get published I need to write. To make money I have to write and sell. I could spend all my time on my novel but that is going to take me into next year and I can also use my time to branch out into other fields. See, to be a writer you don't have to stick to one age group or genre. The writing field is wide open and opportunities aplenty to be grabbed if one wants to invest the time and energy.
Two of my favorite quotes: It's always about the story-Stephen King & Guard the time alloted to writing as a Hungarian Horntail guards its firstborn egg-J.K. Rowling.
So I guard my writing time just like that Hungarian Horntail guards its firstborn egg & I am doing my best to learn that it's always about the story. It takes practice, practice & more practice but the possibilities are endless of what can be accomplished if I commit to practice, write, keep my butt in the seat, sacrifice, still be here for my kids and practice. Did I mention practice? That's what writing is. The more you write the more you learn. The more you learn the better your writing is and there is no end to what you can do with that.
So right here and right now I am a writer and I intend to write. Other shoes I could walk in but why would I want to? I want to do what I was created to do and that is to write.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Charlotte's Journal 4
I have mixed emotions about joining those surrounding the body. They need my help and will welcome it with no doubt, but memories are being stirred up that had long been buried. Like I said, it wasn't all that long ago that the young lady was found here in these very same woods.
She was beautiful, and it grieved my heart that a life had been taken. Someone's daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend & classmate. Her name was Rosey and she was from one of the less fortunate families in Warrior. She, like me, had been taken under Rachel's wing to help sort through her trials and situation.
She should have been on her way home from school but chose to visit Rachel that day. She had met Rachel at church and knew she was welcome always. It was about 3:30 when she started into the woods. I saw her. As I mentioned before, I was in the gardens and I have a clear view of the treeline from there. It wasn't abnormal for her or some of the other school kids to go through, so I didn't think anything of it. It was later, when her parents started to worry, that they contacted the police. The news spread fast and was all over the radio and scanners. Why when I heard I contacted them immediately so they would know where to look.
I guess the time was somewhere around 7:00 when they entered the woods to see what they could find. She never made it to Rachel's. I am not sure why I didn't hear something-a scream, shouting, anything-but all around me was peace.
When they found her she had been sexually assaulted and beaten to death. Her attacker was vicious. Every bone in her face was broken until she was unrecognizeable. I am so thankful I didn't see her in that condition. Rosey was such a sweet girl, never harming anyone and always willing to help when someone was in need. What happened to her was incomprehensible and I still mourn for her.
They never located her attacker. But he took something of hers and when they find him they will know it. No one, other than the police know what it is that was taken. At least that they know of. But I know, and I am constantly waiting and watching in the event that it happens again.
Well, I'd better get this over with. Are you coming with me?
She was beautiful, and it grieved my heart that a life had been taken. Someone's daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend & classmate. Her name was Rosey and she was from one of the less fortunate families in Warrior. She, like me, had been taken under Rachel's wing to help sort through her trials and situation.
She should have been on her way home from school but chose to visit Rachel that day. She had met Rachel at church and knew she was welcome always. It was about 3:30 when she started into the woods. I saw her. As I mentioned before, I was in the gardens and I have a clear view of the treeline from there. It wasn't abnormal for her or some of the other school kids to go through, so I didn't think anything of it. It was later, when her parents started to worry, that they contacted the police. The news spread fast and was all over the radio and scanners. Why when I heard I contacted them immediately so they would know where to look.
I guess the time was somewhere around 7:00 when they entered the woods to see what they could find. She never made it to Rachel's. I am not sure why I didn't hear something-a scream, shouting, anything-but all around me was peace.
When they found her she had been sexually assaulted and beaten to death. Her attacker was vicious. Every bone in her face was broken until she was unrecognizeable. I am so thankful I didn't see her in that condition. Rosey was such a sweet girl, never harming anyone and always willing to help when someone was in need. What happened to her was incomprehensible and I still mourn for her.
They never located her attacker. But he took something of hers and when they find him they will know it. No one, other than the police know what it is that was taken. At least that they know of. But I know, and I am constantly waiting and watching in the event that it happens again.
Well, I'd better get this over with. Are you coming with me?
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Charlotte's Journal 3
I'm almost to the end of the trail. You're not tired are you? We can rest if need be but I'd rather continue on. I don't want to keep my friends waiting.
Rachel has been my dearest friend for over twenty years now. I never thought I'd have someone to be close with other than Jerry. But Rachel has listened to me during my darkest hours, hugged me and let me cry but most important she has been consistent and faithful to our friendship. I cherish her and consider her one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given me.
Jerry and I used to go to Rachel's house every summer for Lemonade and cookies when we were younger, sitting under the shade tree near the pond and having a little picnic. She'll be expecting me with what has happened and if I'm not mistaken Jerry will have beat me there.
Here we are, the edge of the woods at the treeline across the pond from Rachel's house. Just as I suspected, the police are not letting anyone get close to the body.
Well, we might as well join them but be ready, we're in for a very long night.
Rachel has been my dearest friend for over twenty years now. I never thought I'd have someone to be close with other than Jerry. But Rachel has listened to me during my darkest hours, hugged me and let me cry but most important she has been consistent and faithful to our friendship. I cherish her and consider her one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given me.
Jerry and I used to go to Rachel's house every summer for Lemonade and cookies when we were younger, sitting under the shade tree near the pond and having a little picnic. She'll be expecting me with what has happened and if I'm not mistaken Jerry will have beat me there.
Here we are, the edge of the woods at the treeline across the pond from Rachel's house. Just as I suspected, the police are not letting anyone get close to the body.
Well, we might as well join them but be ready, we're in for a very long night.
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